Part 13: Episode XII: Why We Cannot Have Nice Things
Episode XII: Why We Cannot Have Nice Things
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Ladies and Gentlemen: Welcome to the fourth stage. I'm really curious as to what might occur in this one.
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If you guessed a series of meandering flashbacks, which add nothing but foreshadowing there will eventually be, in fact, more flashbacks...well, you're pretty good at this whole guessing thing...
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First up is another Lucrecia cavern sequence. This one is basically forty seconds of Vincent staring at Lucrecia with the only dialog being:
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<dead air>
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<dead air>
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<dead air>
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<dead air>
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It was all very exciting. Did I mention I enjoy sitting in my yard admiring a good, old fashion paint job setting?
Moving right along to the next flashback...
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Next, we have a confrontation between young, slightly less goth Vincent and a shadowy figure who is clearly Dr. Hojo. The game chooses to obscure Hojo's face in shadows for the bulk of the flashback scenes.
Hojo - one of the primary villains of Final Fantasy VII. One whom the party encounters at least a dozen separate occasions and even have a multi-stage boss battle against. He's about as enigmatic as Bowser appearing in a fucking Mario Brothers title. But none the less, they're still going to attempt to leave his identity a mystery,
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I don't know, Vinnie. If I encountered a mad scientist who somehow managed to maintain a shadow over his upper torso and was packing a gun as long as his arm, I think I'd at least be a bit on guard.
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I'll give Dirge of Cerberus some credit in the voice actors being somewhat decent. Even if Steven Blum seems like he's doing a melancholy David Hayter impression for most of Vincent's dialog. On that same note, Hojo is voiced by Paul Eiding; better known as the voice of Colonel Campbell from Metal Gear Solid. And he pulls off a surprisingly good over-the-top mad scientist voice.
Another flashback...
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Next we have a brief sequence of Vincent standing up, sort of freaking out, and letting out an inhuman scream as we fade to the next flashback...
Just one more, now...
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A brief bit of Lucrecia tapping on Vinnie's fishbowl. Come on now, doctor. There is clearly a sign on the front which says not to do that. It drives the goths nuts.
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We finally arrive back in present day, where even Vincent has been lulled to sleep by all the shitty flashbacks.
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Thanks for those ace water dripping effects, Square-Enix. It's those little aesthetic touches that make your games shine.
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A gene that turns people into dopey looking devilmen? Did they really just steal a plot point from fucking Tekken, of all things? Really?
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A scientist conducting experiments? Why, I never!
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I love how they feel compelled to give all the bit characters a last name and bio information in these expanded universe add-ons. Sure, they might not give them anything resembling compelling background, a static two-dimensional personality, and slightly more outlandish design. But, by god! The people will know their surname and blood type.
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Shalua continues to ramble on for another thirty seconds. Vincent just goes into a stupor upon the realization the woman he was pining after for decades was some tinfoil hat wearing nutjob.
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I think Reeve is the only likable character this game has. There's no tortured, convoluted past. No driving force of hate, regret, or sorrow. No ridiculous super powers. He's just a dapper middle-aged normal guy in a silly outfit. I'll just ignore the slight schizophrenic tendency to masquerade as a Scottish cat.
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Special Feature:
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Little Known Fact: Vincent Valentine is not in Brawl.
Tune in Next Time For:
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Clones!
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Poetry!!
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Sieges!!
Bonus Movies:
Flashbacks Followed by Flashbacks
Stage Four Intro (Part 1)
Cutscenes Present: 3
Cutscenes Total: 49